Pregnant at 20, not exactly married but in a promising relationship,still in campus, no job and still a child according to a Kenyan parent. I wrap up my semester,move back home,carry my “shame” with shame as i stay out of sight from people and completely keep off social social media for awhile. I keep a few friends close,start getting excited and looking forward to a baby,baby comes and boom, life changes for the better,my optimistic self is back,i get super enthusiastic about life and start finding my bearings again,get back on social media and share my life as a young mommy with the hope to inspire and motivate other young moms who may be in the same journey as mine.
A few months into motherhood,the society starts to slowly warm up and i get to keep some of my old friendships but lose most of them,time to time i tag the baby to Church and some events and a year down the line she is no longer a “shame” but a beautiful blessing. In between life is beautiful,i go back to school, get contracted to do some online jobs,my relationship is more promising,i start a blog and share our domestic escapades,Sheyce is growing and glowing and it feels like am living my best life yet as a 20-something year old with a young family.
Sheyce turns three and life takes a different turn,a very unexpected turn just to say the least. My relationship is struggling and am giving up on it,Sheyce joins play school,i join an amazing Institution,the Mister is running a seemingly promising business but things are not as good or as blissful as they seem to be. I choose to stay positive and hopeful that everything will get better with time and in the process i meet amazing people and cultivate beautiful friendships that have been some of the best i have had yet up to date.
In my 24th year, Sheyce is 4years now and things have now moved from bad to worse. She is still growing beautifully and oblivious of what is going on,finally i let go of my struggling relationship in a not amicable way that leaves no chance for being cordial at least for the next couple of months,days i struggle with emotional instability or maybe a little depression which i would quickly snap out of but with amazing friends all around me, i was seemingly still doing alright and with my kind of personality it is very hard to see my struggles.So not many people are aware of what is going on in my personal life.
Just two months into winding up the year, we find out Sheyce is going to be a big sister and there i was again with a beautiful “shame” to behold. Not in a relationship this time,working in an institution that upholds Christian values,in the same society that sees “shame” in out of wedlock pregnancies, in my mothers house,with a four year old daughter already,in school struggling to finish that overdue bachelors, trying to chase dreams and achieve goals,struggling with financial growth and independence,struggling with my spiritual awareness and growth and at the same time trying to find me and my innermost self.
This time though,am more aware of what am getting myself into and how blessed i am to be a second time mom; planned or unplanned,married or not, grown or not, shame or not,am proud of myself for choosing life and for the new blessing in our lives.
Today, 5 yrs 6 months later,am a proud 25year old mom of two beautiful blessings that make life have more meaning and purpose. The society may view my experiences as shameful ,and maybe it depends on where you come from but its a beautiful kind of shame. It is the kind of shame that makes your journey more beautiful,the kind that God’s grace,favor and faithfulness is seen in ,the kind that you get to mold and nurture and watch growth that makes you very proud,the kind that makes you look forward to tomorrow and work harder than ever before,the kind that teaches you about unconditional love,patience and other fruits of the spirit,the kind that adds another title to the Miss,Mr,Mrs,Eng.,Dr and the kind that makes every experience in the journey worth it.
Am not advocating for children out of wedlock or telling the young girls and boys to go ahead and INDULGE in extra co-curricular activities and see no wrong in it. Sometimes the choices and decisions we make get us in situations we had never thought of and its only because of Gods grace we are able to pull through and embrace the changes that are brought forth by our choices,actions and decisions so learn from others. If you can,do things the right way,go to school, get a job and grow your career,meet a good partner and WAIT until you get married then have babies but if you are already here like me,with your beautiful “shame” ,OWN it, do better now that you know better and fully embrace the changes. Love your beautiful “shame” and don’t be ashamed of it. Also remember that you have to work extra hard than your peers and sometimes,chances can run out, so be wiser now and don’t find yourself in the same predicament overtime.
Sending Love & Light to you guys…
Love & Joy ,